What To Do With People's Judgments?
Do you worry about what others are thinking? Do you avoid things you want to do - dance, sing out, go places, try new styles, or business ventures - for fear of criticism, disapproval, or negative opinions? Many of us live a smaller life by avoiding the disapproval and negative reactions of others - real or imagined.
Hiding, embarrassment, and self-conscious shrinking are forms of shame, a most debilitating emotion. But every difficult emotion arises to alert you to something that it can help you resolve. As for the Shame family - which includes coping behaviors like being overly pleasing, proving, and perfectionism - it can be used consciously to better accept, love, and believe in yourself.
How? There are several steps you can practice and learn to use when Shame hits. Think of the process as sifting through the thoughts and feelings of shame as you might filter through rocks and mud to find any hidden and overlooked gold flakes or nuggets.
Sifting Through Shame
First: Be Aware of Shame.
Recognize it after and then as it is happening to you.The longer you have lived with 'not good enough' thoughts and feelings, the more accepted and invisible they are to you. Feeling bad about yourself, inadequate, and undeserving is learned; we are not born with low levels of self-esteem, though they may be acquired very soon after birth. Learning about Shame and spending time with uncomfortable feelings are two key pieces of this step.
Next: Prepare Yourself to Deal with Shame
We avoid emotions because they are uncomfortable and because we don't know what to do with them. Avoiding doesn't resolve them or the Shame-producing issue at their source; it persists until we process it. By first strengthening and fortifying ourselves physically and mentally, we increase safety and willingness to feel and deal with difficult feelings and issues. I suggest physical preparation like exercise and breathwork and mental preparation like mindfulness and meditation. Find what works for you. The goal is to get control back from the emotion hijacking your brain.
Now: Work WITH Shame
Imagine Shame as a visitor, if unwelcome, into your body-mind. It is here and you are here, having a conversation.
- I recognize you are here, Shame. I am ready to learn.
- What exactly is the incoming message? Is something wrong with my appearance, my performance? What is the quality or characteristic that is seen as inadequate or defective? If you feel you are not enough, undeserving, or unwanted, press for the exact reason(s). 'Not good enough' is too vague to dispute. Make the voice(s) be specific.
- Where is that voice coming from? Outside, from your mother long ago, from media messages, or implied and assumed from how you were treated? Or is the message coming from inside, from you? These were learned somewhere and then internalized, so you may become aware of both outer and inner shame-thoughts. No one self-deprecating at birth; we learn to feel bad about ourselves.
Finally: Confront the thoughts, Ideas, and Beliefs.
When you move habitual and normalized beliefs about yourself that likely run unnoticed in the background - like the invisible programming that runs a computer app - and bring it to the light of your discriminating mind, you can neutrally evaluate it. Only now can you process it by re-evaluating the messages. And assigning value and worth is what this is all about.
- Check myself and my heart honestly and fearlessly. Is there any VALIDITY to this specific critique? I might see that my shamer was mad, in pain, wounded and trying to hurt me, or unknowingly saying hurtful but untrue things. Maybe they even wanted me to do my best but sent messages that had me think I was 'not enough' Maybe their divorce, their abuse or neglect, or their inability to love had me come to believe something is wrong with me.
Seeing the truth, reject the false belief you took on. You know better than they did or do; use your sense-of-self power to reject it. It may take time to re-write your sense of self, so re-affirm often.
- You may find some degree of truth in the specific thought, a truth you can use to learn how you prefer to be and to self-correct. Example: Someone rejected me and labeled me as a cruel person for what I said or did. Perhaps I can now see the reason I did it, that it may have even been justified, but I would prefer not to lash out in anger but wait and communicate better and achieve a more positive outcome. My Shame will be relieved and have been use for growth.
So there is a method for you to try. Click the video below to practice it in a guided meditation 'Check-In and Get Clear'.
Blessings,
GuruMeher
